Don’t ya hate it?

when you leave your cell phone at home on a day when you have plans after work… and you do not have access to any methods of communication other than the work phone?

LAME.

that’s my story today.

storm

i’m scared.

i’m sinking.

i’m drowning.

emotional hurricanes commense.

my heart is heavy. a lot of weight and worry rests.

i need out.

i need truth.

i need resolve.

my own personal storm.

can i be serious for a moment?

i wish people would stop being SO serious all of the time.

life is tough enough without all of the seriousness that people bring into it.

here is my final list of things that bother the hell out of me…

1. the way people eat their food— yuck. i could never work in a restaurant because i think people eat in such an unattractive way. but really… there’s no way to not look repulsive when you eat.
2. how mean people are to each other— yikes. some times i overhear the things said from one person to another. it is either a backhanded compliment or false care. “oh hey! it is SO good to see you!” then the person walks away and suddenly the speaker boasts a sigh of relief and judges them silently as they walk away. DANG! YOU’RE COOL!
3. money. i hATE money. i am not a fan of the fact that money determines the opportunities one may have in life. maybe i’m only bitter because i am a broke, college graduate… living at home with my parents who are broke because they never went to college. yeah… that makes sense, society. thanks.
4. love. okay— that’s an obscure thing for someone to hate. i get it. but love should not be so difficult to find.
5. divorce. it should not exist. if you can’t love someone despite their flaws… then why the hell would you marry them? yes, people change and some times for the worst… but that’s when you should help each other get through those difficult times and changes. this, of course, does not apply to the man or woman that suddenly becomes violent or an adulterer.
6. atheists. HAHA! that word, in itself, makes me laugh. the simple denial of God automatically justifies it as existing. sure, i can deny the existence of gravity and oxygen because i can’t see it but simply acknowledging them makes them exist at least to some degree. don’t argue. it’s just true.
7. theories of our existence. what difference does it make? we’re here, aren’t we?
8. fear of discussion. now, i am a culprit of this myself as i loathe confrontation. however, if you are SO afraid of the truth, then don’t put yourself in a position to be let down. you never know what someone may have to say… so just listen. you may, in fact, dig it.
9. judgment. if someone has green skin and orange hair, who are we to say that they are any different from ourselves as anyone else? we are human. we can make choices to look however we want. so why is it, STILL, that if someone has tattoos, piercings, exciting hair, or just blatantly different views on life that they are immediately shunned by the disagreeing? it’s not cool.
10. dwelling. people dwell on the things they can not change (including myself) and it drives me nuts! sure, i’d love to live on the beach… in Seattle… with my gorgeous (duh) husband and 2 perfect children while working as a pharmacist and buying anything to make those around me smile… BUT THAT’S NOT MY REALITY. oh well. that’s life. the adventure. i shouldn’t be bitter about being a broke, college graduate, living at home with my parents… but i’m human and i am, indeed, very bitter.

thanks for letting me vent.

thanks for tolerating my ranting and raving.

i’m not sorry if i offended you. this is my mind. not yours. deal with it.

things should not happen the way they do sometimes…

Your heart is an empty room with walls of the deepest blue.

-Death Cab for Cutie

the chase is all i know and i stopped running months ago.

i have to admit, having zero control of the people you love is absolutely unfair.

i’ve heard that when you love someone so deeply that it is hurting your heart… that’s when you know that it is real. WHAT THE HELL? how is that okay?

heart aches are not always bad. not cool. not cool at all.

and another thing… why does it have to come out of nowhere and involve people you would never imagine? why?

why can’t love be planned, convenient and painless?

love is difficult, but damn it feels so good at the same time.

this heart of mine needs to experience some resolve.

banana festival

life is a banana festival and everyone’s been invited. that’s what i really think.

i don’t mean a ‘banana festival’ as a literal festival of bananas… nor am i making some sexual conotation to men. i literally mean the world is a big, crazy, maddening shit show… a banana festival.

happiness. excitement. anger. jealousy. deceit. lust. disrespect. love. hate.

most are just trying to get by with what they have. others take what they have for granted and disregard the feelings of those around them. some fall time and time again and it seems it is only a matter of time before they refuse to get up again.

‘friends’ are supposed to have your back and be there and share things and think of each other and appreciate one another. the phrase ‘best friend’ is used just as loosely as ‘love’. it is a damn shame really.

who really is your best friend? really?

i have 3 and they know who they are. that is if i am speaking strictly about my own sex. but friendship should not be limited to the same sex. i have 2 guys that i could tell anything to and they would have my back. i often think they hold far less judgement against me than anyone else in the world. maybe they’ve lived rougher lives than i and that’s why… i personally don’t care what their reasoning is… i just know that they love me for who i am. girls can be a little harder on each other with regards to judgement and criticism. that’s not necessarily a bad thing but it is exhausting at times,causing me to drop off into a hole where i feel safe and alone.

safe from the worries that are brought on by judgement. safe from the constant struggle of “do i even exist” in this world outside of work and family? safe from loneliness. you can’t be lonely if you rely on no one. or can you?

I hate being told that i am too sensitive. that i am too worrisome. that i am too dramatic. that i think too much. that i need to relax.

don’t tell me what i need. don’t tell me how to behave. i may only be 23 but i know who i am and how i should act. i know what is acceptable to me and what is not.

when i ask for advice. give it but do not always expect me to run with it. i don’t care if it sounds childish… i do what i want with other’s feelings in mind where applicable.

don’t get me wrong. i’m not perfect and i am not always a great friend. i know this. but i don’t forget people. i don’t intentionally hurt anyone. i don’t hide from my feelings.. i only hide my feelings from others. i don’t ignore people. i’m flakey but i’m not rude.

declaring how i behave and the priciples i believe in is solely to deliver my low expectations that i have for the people i consider my ‘friends’. if they’re too difficult to live up to, i’m not sorry and i don’t feel bad. plain and simple. i don’t ask for much.

honesty.love.appreciation. that’s what makes a friend to me.